Thank You For Calling
by SpockLikesCats
Summary: Bureaucracy at its finest. Implacable. Unyielding. Frustrating as hell.


**Thank You For Calling**

_by SpockLikesCats_

**A/N dedicated to everyone who has ever dealt with customer service, bureaucratic doings and unintelligible policies.** I make no profit from this work, and acknowledge that Star Trek's characters and environs are the inventions of others. Not to mention that they – and all profit thereunto pertaining – belong to CBS/Paramount. And thanks to the actors who brought them so wonderfully to life!

/\

"I'm sorry sir, Captain Kirk is not registered as commander of the USS Enterprise."

"Are you kidding me?" Kirk asked mildly. He was sure the charm emanating from his face would change her mind. "I'm Captain Kirk. I assumed command of the USS Enterprise after Commander Spock and I defeated the _Narada_ last year." _And saving Earth, remember __**that**__ part?_

But she was older, and she'd been around, and most important, she'd been around the Starfleet Procurement Arm for about 15 years, by his reckoning. She was twice his age, a weighty person in both senses of the word. Took herself seriously and, probably, not so much her diet.

"No sir, I am not kidding. I do not have you listed as commander of the Enterprise."

"What do I need to do?" Kirk brandished his cuffs, the captain's rank stripes clearly showing over the viewer. "Surely there's a record." He tried The Smile.

No joy.

"I am sorry sir, but you will need to provide proof."

"Okay. I'll forward you a vidfile of the day I assumed command. Will that do?"

"I need formal documentation sir."

"That should be on record at SFHQ, shouldn't it?"

"I do not find it listed here, sir."

Kirk closed his baby blues. Well, _glacier_ blues, according to Gaila, whose vision was better than humans'.

He opened his eyes slowly, looking out at her from under slightly lowered brows, and tried The Twinkle, smiling broadly so his cheeks looked pinch-able. And he put on his _Aw-Shucks_ expression for good measure. Older women loved that.

"Okay … Alicia. That's your name, right?"

"Yes, sir, I told you at the beginning of our comm."

"Do you have another name?"

"Procurement Supervisor 134. But you may speak with any customer service representative in our division concerning this matter."

"But I can call _you_ back, right?"

"It's not necessary sir. We each have the retrievable information in our database."

"Just … not the information about who's in command of the Enterprise."

"That is correct sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Kirk tried to keep a sarcastic expression from crossing his face, merely gave a laugh, shifted in his Ready Room captain's chair and sighed. "No, not today. Thank you."

"Thank _you_ sir, and thank you for contacting Starfleet Procurement Customer Service."

The screen defaulted to the UFP logo and Kirk laughed out loud. "I don't believe this!"

/\

"Admiral … do you have any advice for me on how to resolve this? Scotty really needs those parts. He doesn't like the way things _sound_ down there." Kirk made a face.

Pike tilted his head and studied him across the light years. "Always trust your engineer. They know the ship better than you can imagine. I know you studied a lot of engineering, Jim. But Montgomery Scott has a reputation in Starfleet, y'know."

"I didn't get the impression it was a good one."

"Pshh," Pike waved a hand. "Admiral Archer just got pissed off about Porthos III. His beagle. And honestly, Scott shouldn't have been trans-warp beaming someone's _dog_, for crissake. I'd be just as pissed if he'd done that with one of my family cats." A pause. A considering sip of coffee. A look. "Okay, Jim. I'll see if I can convince Procurement I turned her over to you. I can't believe they don't have a record of the change of command of the USS Enterprise." He blew out a sigh.

"Departmental bullshit, I imagine. The left hand never talks with the right hand. You'll get used to dealing with it, Jim, but it's the worst pain in the ass a captain has to deal with. Talk with you later."

"Thank you sir," Kirk said, nodding respectfully. It was all he could do not to comically add, "… and thank you for discussing this with us today." Thank god the UFP logo reasserted itself on the commscreen in time. Though Pike _might_ have laughed.

/\

He had a drink with McCoy in the staff lounge on the 10th deck. Both of them loved the view of the stars from there. Hell, the whole crew loved it. This was a great part of the ship's design. A place for people to relax off-duty.

"I've had the same problem, Jim." McCoy sipped his bourbon and made that face. The cocked eyebrow of experience. "But I've got _contacts_."

"Oh, you're saying _Admiral Pike_ isn't gonna do the trick?" Kirk snorted, and drank some ale.

"Does _Admiral Pike_ have contacts in Procurement? Friends? People who _owe_ him?"

"How should I know? I imagine he would, with all his years in service, and being a captain of not two, but _three_ starships."

"Well, to be fair, Jim, he was in command of this one for about two days. Not counting the operation and the time in Recovery."

Kirk glowered at his friend. "Don't go there, Bones."

"Hey, I respect the man. I admire him greatly. I saw him bear incredible pain and work through it to work hard in physical rehabilitation. He's got _grit_ and he's got my everlasting respect." Bones leaned forward, the Eyebrow in evidence again.

"But if he doesn't have _contacts_, Jim, all bets are off."

/\

Pike sighed. Mike "Raymie" Raymond had retired after the successful launch of the Enterprise; her space trials had finished perfectly and he had left after 35 years of civilian engineer service to the Fleet.

_I miss you, Raymie. Wish there were more like you._ (Though LCDR Scott, Kirk's engineer, was a reputed "miracle worker," so maybe Enterprise was in capable hands.

He shrugged. It was worth a call, maybe Raymie still knew somebody there who could help.

"Sorry, Chris," his friend told him half a day later. "My special contact just retired last month." Raymond sighed. "Tell you what, though. Let me try _one_ other channel. It's just possible he'll remember that favor I did him when we repaired the USS Hood that time."

"Oh yeah. Okay. Thanks, Mike." Pike remembered that time. Hood had been really torn up. Wasn't Pike's fault, a Romulan cruiser had ripped her to shreds in a brief engagement. That was how they'd learned of the advanced weaponry the Romulans had smuggled out from the Klingon home world technical center.

Good thing the Romulans hadn't had to procure it from an official source. _They_ had spies.

/\

"I'm waiting to hear back from my contact, Jim. But I had a thought. Any chance LCDR Scott can build those parts himself?"

Kirk goggled at him. "_Build …?_"

"Never mind. I'll wait to hear from Mike Raymond and get back to you."

/\

"Nope. Sorry, Jim. 'No cigar.' But I do have a suggestion. Vulcans are aces at navigating bureaucracies throughout the Federation."

"God, I should have known that. Sorry to have wasted your time, Admiral!"

"No worries, Jim. You didn't have much time to learn from the best." Pike winked at him. "And always remember, rely on your people. They have expertise to share."

"Yessir!" Kirk grinned. He did have the best crew in the Fleet after all.

Pike gave him a beatific smile and signed off.

/\

The request went through; the parts were ordered, Scotty was happy and Kirk, supremely happy.

And Spock … Uhura kept grinning at him. That beaming,whole-face smile Kirk so loved to see. The one that cheered up the whole Bridge. And Spock? Spock seemed a little extra satisfied with himself.

_He_ had signed the request to Procurement.

"CDR S'chn T'gai Spock, Captain, USS Enterprise, Acting."

-/\-

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